Almost Halloween

Here’s what I was going to go as:

It looks like my mom and sister may be out of town, which means me and my dad may have to hold down the fort. Last year I think we stayed out for five hours and gave out 1100 pieces of candy. Here’s the thing, yo: I’m not giving you candy if you’re an adult. You’re seventeen and your girlfriend is dressed up as a nurse from a Slipknot video and you’re high, that’s one thing: I’m giving you candy. You’re fifty years old and wrinkled and think it’s your god damn hippy entitlement right to two pieces of candy because you have a wig on, think again. This happened last year and I had to throw these two old assholes off my lawn. Every piece of candy I give you comes out of the mouth of a little kid. You had your childhood – lay down!